It’s hard for me to put into words what I am feeling at this
moment. Shock, anger, sadness, confusion.
In my life, I've seen so many tragic and
horrible things happen in our country.
Never in my life did I ever think that my small corner of the world
could be rocked by a tragedy as horrific as what happened on Friday in Sandy
Hook. How could this happen in this small,
quaint New England town, a neighbor to where I grew up and where I live now. I've been to Newtown so often in my life, and
it truly is a quiet little town. How
could something like this happen to such a sweet place?
I woke up Friday morning, thinking, “I really hope my class
listens today and thank goodness it’s finally Friday.” Finally Friday…those words, I don’t think I
can say them again without thinking about 12/14/2012…a Friday that I now will
never forget, a Friday that changed my life, my friends’ lives, and my
community forever. How could this
happen? How could a man walk into an
elementary school and take the lives of innocent 6 and 7 year olds? Those sweet, innocent little babies just beginning
their lives, excited for the holidays, and thinking they were in a safe place
where they could learn new things and play with their friends.
When I first heard about a shooting in Newtown, my immediate
thought was the high school. When I
heard it was the elementary school, I was in shock. And then when I heard that children were
shot, I just wanted to scream!! A
shooting at an elementary school, how was this possible???? Then I found out which school, and my heart
sank. I know children in that school…some
former Kindergarten students from my classroom, and some students who were in
our Pre-K program before moving on to the public school to continue their
education. I had to hold my composure
through the day, and not let my kindergarten students know that something
horrible was happening in a town so close to our school. I had to be strong for those little 4 and 5
years olds while inside I was screaming and angry and confused.
We had heard many of the towns in our area had the schools
on lockdown, and we wondering if we were going to have to do the same
thing. After confirming we did not have
to lockdown, we decided, however, that we would still keep the children
inside. We were unsure, as first reports
were coming in, if there were accomplices or if the gunman had fled from the
school. So many of you sent me messages
of concern during those first few hours of news, and I can’t explain the fear I
had when at first they thought there may have been accomplices who fled the
scene. In my heart, I knew my school
would be safe, but I feared having to lockdown our school, and yet having to
remain calm for the children. Would I
remain calm for them? Would I do what I
needed to do for them?
When we began hearing reports that it was kindergarten
students who were shot, I wanted to take every child in my classroom into my
arms and hug them all. These little
babies trust us as educators to protect them and teach them. When we think of protecting them, it’s mostly
from cuts and bruises on the playground.
Never in our lives do we ever expect that we are going to have to
protect their little faces from a gunman.
A gunman. Every time I type that
word, my heart sinks and I get angry again.
We received word that one of my former kindergartener’s, now
a 2nd grader, was seen on TV with her mother being taken from the
area. I was so grateful to hear that
news…but it was soon followed with the knowledge that at least 3 parents from
the company where my school is located had children who were in the school. We were unsure of their fate or if the
children had direct connection with our center, but hoped and prayed for the
best. At 2:45pm, a moment I never
thought would ever happen to me. I was
informed that a former student from my school was a victim. Avielle Richman, 6 years old, had been a part
of our preschool and pre-k program before leaving our school in 2011 to attend
Sandy Hook Elementary School for Kindergarten.
Originally, she had been slated to attend my kindergarten class last
year, but at the last minute opted to attend the public school. I struggled to hold it together in the
classroom. When I stepped out of the
classroom a little while later to return a phone call to my mother, I broke
down. A sweet little girl, with bouncy
curls who had touched my life for a short period of time had lost her life.
After my Kindergartener’s had their snack, and began their
free time, I hugged one of my students.
She looked at me and said (in a very snarky tone) “What??” I just smiled at her and said I just wanted
to give her a hug. She laughed and ran
off to play. My student’s parents began
picking up early, all with a look on their faces that said they had the same
feelings that I had. Around 4:00, I was
told I could head home…it would take me another 45 minutes to walk out the door. I spent time talking to my director, looking
at a picture of Avielle, simply not ready to go home and be alone. When I finally walked out the door to my
school and got into my car, all the stress of being strong for my students
released, and I cried. I cried for
Avielle. I cried for the other children
and faculty, and I cried for the families of all those affected. When I got home, I couldn’t get out of the
car. I sat there for at least 15-20
minutes before walking inside.
All night I sat on the couch watching the news, hoping for
answers, and crying when the answers didn’t come. I cried more tears than I thought one person
should be able to cry, and the tears just kept coming. It couldn’t be real. This can’t really be Newtown. I don’t know children in that school. Avielle was home. It just had to be a nightmare. I went to bed and tried to go to sleep, but
the second I turned off the lights and crawled into bed, Avielle’s face popped
into my head. Her beautiful smile, and
those curls on her head. I couldn’t get
the image out of my head and I couldn’t stop the crying. I had to turn the news back on….I couldn’t be
in the silence anymore.
I woke up this morning hoping that it was a nightmare. But it wasn’t. It was real.
My little state, my little community was all over the news, all of the
news all over the world. All morning I
watched and waited to hear anything new.
Instead, all I kept seeing was HIS face on the tv. Every time I saw his picture I got
angrier. I didn’t want to see his
face. I still don’t want to see his
face! How could he walk into that school
and brutally murder those innocent children!!
WHY!!?? What in his life was so
horrible he had to take away 20 6 & 7 year olds futures??? Heading out this afternoon, I tried to get
some distraction, even for a little while. Around 4:15, however, the moment I had been
dreading occurred…I read Avielle Richman, age 6, (DOB 10/17/2006) on the list
of victims. At 5pm, I met a co-worker in
Bethel, CT for a candlelight vigil. I
lit a candle in memory of Avielle (and all the victims) and cried. When I heard
Avielle’s name read on the news tonight, it became all too real. Her beautiful little face has been in my head
ever since I found out. I think it will
be there for many days and weeks to come.
I can’t really express what emotion I am feeling right now. I’m heart broken, sad, angry, confused, and scared. I still can’t wrap my head around the
events. Those poor, innocent babies, why
would someone hurt them? I pray they did
not suffer.
Today, I also am proud to say I am in the company of some
true heroes, educators who put their lives on the line to protect the small,
scared children in their classrooms. Victoria
Soto, a graduate of my college, Eastern Connecticut State University, gave her
life protecting her little first grade students. I didn’t know her, she graduated after me,
but I am proud to be in the company of such a brave woman. I am in the company of 6 brave educators who
gave their lives, and countless educators who risked their lives to protect the
children who were able to walk out of Sandy Hook Elementary School on Friday. I have been asking myself all day, would I
have the strength and bravery to do what they did? Would I be able to put myself in harm’s way
to protect my student’s? Would I die for
my students? These questions are
weighing heavily on my heart as I hear stories of the bravery in Sandy Hook.
A little over a month ago, I was thinking, “wow, our weather
is Al Roker worthy” and now every major journalist from all over the country is
either here or has their eyes set on Newtown, CT and……the President of the
United States is coming to my small little area of Connecticut tomorrow. I don’t want him here…I don’t want this to be
real. This can’t have happened to my small
corner of CT. This can’t have happened
in a town that was almost my hometown.
This can’t have happened to a school that was almost my school. My parent’s chose, instead, to move to Bethel,
CT, but Sandy Hook very easily could have been my hometown.
So many of you have sent thoughts, prayers, and love to me
over the last two days, and I can’t thank you enough for the outpouring of
support and love. Please keep Newtown in
your prayers in the coming weeks and months.
This community is going to need a lot of support to heal from this
horrific tragedy.
Heaven has 26 new angels from Sandy Hook Elementary School,
and we can only pray that they have found peace. To the heroes who gave their lives, may you
rest in peace…Rachel Davino, 29, Dawn Hochsprung, 47, Anne Marie Murphy, 52.
Lauren Russeau, 30, Mary Sherlach, 56, and Victoria Soto, 27. Dear, sweet Avielle, age 6….you touched my
life for only a brief moment in time, but I am heartbroken today. Your smile will live in my heart forever. And to your friends as well…Charlotte,
Daniel, Olivia, Josephine, Ana, Dylan, Madeleine, Catherine, Chase, Jesse,
James, Grace, Emilie, Jack, Noah, Caroline, Jessica, Benjamin, and Allison…Your
lives were cut too short. May you all be
together in a place where there is nothing to fear and where innocence lives on
forever. May all of your families and
friends find the peace they need to heal after this tragic event.
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