The last time I wrote about my first love, I said he would hopefully be a distant blip on my radar soon...
Well apparently that ship turned around and that blip on the radar is covering the whole damn screen and beeping loudly....
My ex....showed up at my high school girls brunch on Sunday, and no one thought it would be good to warn me he was coming.... BLINDSIDED with my ex-boyfriend....
A week ago, I would have whole-heartedly said "I'm over him!"
Then he walked into the restaurant, and my heart began to race and I felt that nervous, butterfly, nauseous feeling...I haven't felt that way in years!!! To be completely honest, he's the only one who has ever made my heart race...
In an attempt to calm my nerves, I gulped back my 1st Bellini of the day...I'm not entirely sure how many there were by the time brunch was over, but I was at least 4 drinks in when the 1st course arrived.
I tried to avoid eye-contact with him, but every time I looked in his direction, he was looking at me...
The whole table was laughing and having a good time reminiscing about fun times...but he kept adding in these references to the times we dated... *knocks back another drink*
STOP BRINGING UP OUR RELATIONSHIP!! STOP STOP STOP!!!
You don't have the right to bring it up anymore! You don't have the right to say "The day of the gas leak changed my life forever." WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT!?! What was the point in bringing up the day we started dating!? Were you trying to just get a reaction out of me? Were you trying to see if there are still feelings there? Do you have regrets? Were you hoping that there would be some indication that I still have feelings for you?
Let me take another drink...
You have lost your chance to say such things!! You broke my heart for way too many years...You can't tell me that you love me, but that it's not written in the stars for us to be together, and then turn around and apologize for hurting me, followed by randomly telling me you were going to ask me to marry you. How many things did you say to me that were lies?? Did you really every want to get back together with me? Did you really every hope that things would work out?
WHY?? Why couldn't we make it past the 1 month mark? What was it about our relationship that made you want to break-up before we moved past those first few weeks...
Did you ever really love me??? Why did loving me scare the ever-loving shit out of you!?
I loved you so much more than you deserved....that's not true...you deserve love, we all do...
We always seemed to be in a good place...but you would break my heart, and I'm not even sure why...I didn't want to "still be friends" like you asked so many times after breaking my heart. I wanted to love you, to be with you, to give our relationship a TRUE chance.
Why do I feel like I'm 16 again? Why do I feel like I felt 15 years ago? Why can't I ever say these things to you? You leave me tongue-tied when it comes to our relationship (or lack thereof)...
After all this time? Always....
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