In Memory...

I want to thank you all for your love and support over the last few days as I try to come to grips over this horrific incident that has struck my small little corner of the world.  It is so incredible to me the outpouring of love and prayers from all over the world.  I’ve given the same support and prayers to members of various communities all over this great country in their times of need, and I never, ever, thought something as horrific as this would ever reach my small corner of the world.

I am not a family member of a victim, but I did know a victim.  She touched my life for a very short period of time, and sadly her life was cut too short.  Her future was taken away from her.  Avielle Richman attended the center where I teach kindergarten.  She was a student in our preschool and prekindergarten program.  Up until a few weeks before school began last year, she was on my roster for Kindergarten.  Instead, her family chose to attend the public school.  She was a beautiful, vibrant young girl with a beautiful head full of curls.  I have not seen her since she left our school last fall, but I am heartbroken over her loss.

I’m still not sure what I should be feeling…I feel sad, angry, confused, scared, horrified, heartbroken…all at one time.  I can only imagine what the families of the students and educators of Sandy Hook Elementary are going through right now.  I keep thinking about my poor sweet former kindergartener who witnessed some of the horrors inside Sandy Hook Elementary before she was lucky enough to make it out of the school.  I keep wondering how these students will ever be able to feel safe inside a school again.  It’s just so sad to think about.

Today, I visited my neighboring community of Newtown to pay my respects and to mourn the loss of 26 beautiful angels.  Driving along I-84, a highway I have driven countless times, I thought about where I was headed.  Next to the highway, on a hill when you get to Newtown, there has been an American Flag for as long as I can remember.  It doesn’t usually cause me to react.  Today as I was driving to the exit I needed, I passed that flag.  Right below it were small flags for each of the Sandy Hook victims.  I began to cry, and continued to cry as I exited and found a place to park to meet my mom.

As we were heading towards Sandy Hook, we passed St. Rose of Lima Catholic church, as SWAT members and police stood with guns drawn.  Never have I been so close to a situation like that.  The fear in my heart; why was this happening to our small community?  Wasn’t the tragedy of Friday enough?  What more could this little community handle?  We crossed the bridge over the highway, headed toward the Sandy Hook section of Newtown.  Lining the fence were balloons and signs “Pray for Newtown.”  It began to become even more real.  The amount of traffic was incredible; we chose to park the car and walk down the hill to Sandy Hook.

Sandy Hook is such a quaint town, but today, as I was walking down the hill, everywhere I looked were news vans, and journalists and cameras.  I saw signs asking for prayers, and flowers and notes of support everywhere.  We headed up the hill toward Sandy Hook Elementary School and each step I took closer to the school, it was one step closer to the place where so many innocent lives were taken.  As we reached the top of the hill and headed down toward the school, part of me wanted to turn back.  As soon as I could see the little sign for Sandy Hook School, tears welled up in my eyes.  I began to think of the fear in these young children’s hearts on Friday, as a gunman broke into their school and brutally murdered many of their friends and educators.

I couldn’t hold back my emotions as we stepped into the crowd of mourners paying their respects.  I laid a bouquet of green and white flowers, along with a card, amongst the other flowers and gifts left in front of the school sign.  My mom held onto me as I cried, thinking about Avielle and her friends.  I don’t know how long we stood there, but it was awhile.  I couldn’t leave.  I couldn’t leave this place where Avielle had taken her last steps, where her educators had died trying to keep her and her friends safe.

After a while, a group of volunteers began handing out sandwiches, cookies, donuts, and waters to the mourners.  Such an amazing gesture of love.  An older woman, who was handing out sandwiches, saw the tears in my eyes and hugged me.  I don’t remember the words of support she offered, but I was deeply touched by her generosity.  The outpouring of love all around Sandy Hook & Newtown was amazing; truly an amazing community, coming together to support each other through this tragedy.

As we were heading away from the school, I spotted a star with Avielle’s name on it, hanging on one of the 26 Christmas Trees.  My tears returned, and I stood there a few moments looking at her star and the stuffed animals and ornaments on the tree before finally turning to go.

Another makeshift memorial formed under a tree, had a cross formed out of Legos, another reminder that most of the lives lost were children who would have played with Legos.

Visiting Newtown/Sandy Hook today was one of the hardest, most difficult moments of the weekend, but it was something that I truly needed to do.  It did not give me any closure, but it did help me to see that I am not alone in my grief.  This tragedy has touched everyone in Newtown, the surrounding communities, and around the world.  I have spent much of my weekend feeling alone, and it was helpful to be around others who are looking for answers as to why such a horrible thing has happened to our community.

Again, I want to thank you all for your words of support and love.  I know that many of you have expressed not knowing what to say.  Just knowing that I and this small community are in your thoughts and prayers is enough.  I am truly blessed with an amazing group of family and friends.  The coming weeks are going to bring many emotions, and I am happy to know that I will have so many of you there to support me as I try to work through my emotions and try to understand what has happened to my little corner of the world.  Thank you. 

(photos of some of the memorials in Newtown)

An emotional 48 hours...

It’s hard for me to put into words what I am feeling at this moment.  Shock, anger, sadness, confusion.   In my life, I've seen so many tragic and horrible things happen in our country.  Never in my life did I ever think that my small corner of the world could be rocked by a tragedy as horrific as what happened on Friday in Sandy Hook.  How could this happen in this small, quaint New England town, a neighbor to where I grew up and where I live now.  I've been to Newtown so often in my life, and it truly is a quiet little town.  How could something like this happen to such a sweet place?

I woke up Friday morning, thinking, “I really hope my class listens today and thank goodness it’s finally Friday.”  Finally Friday…those words, I don’t think I can say them again without thinking about 12/14/2012…a Friday that I now will never forget, a Friday that changed my life, my friends’ lives, and my community forever.  How could this happen?  How could a man walk into an elementary school and take the lives of innocent 6 and 7 year olds?  Those sweet, innocent little babies just beginning their lives, excited for the holidays, and thinking they were in a safe place where they could learn new things and play with their friends. 

When I first heard about a shooting in Newtown, my immediate thought was the high school.  When I heard it was the elementary school, I was in shock.  And then when I heard that children were shot, I just wanted to scream!!  A shooting at an elementary school, how was this possible????  Then I found out which school, and my heart sank.  I know children in that school…some former Kindergarten students from my classroom, and some students who were in our Pre-K program before moving on to the public school to continue their education.  I had to hold my composure through the day, and not let my kindergarten students know that something horrible was happening in a town so close to our school.  I had to be strong for those little 4 and 5 years olds while inside I was screaming and angry and confused.

We had heard many of the towns in our area had the schools on lockdown, and we wondering if we were going to have to do the same thing.  After confirming we did not have to lockdown, we decided, however, that we would still keep the children inside.  We were unsure, as first reports were coming in, if there were accomplices or if the gunman had fled from the school.  So many of you sent me messages of concern during those first few hours of news, and I can’t explain the fear I had when at first they thought there may have been accomplices who fled the scene.  In my heart, I knew my school would be safe, but I feared having to lockdown our school, and yet having to remain calm for the children.  Would I remain calm for them?  Would I do what I needed to do for them?

When we began hearing reports that it was kindergarten students who were shot, I wanted to take every child in my classroom into my arms and hug them all.  These little babies trust us as educators to protect them and teach them.  When we think of protecting them, it’s mostly from cuts and bruises on the playground.  Never in our lives do we ever expect that we are going to have to protect their little faces from a gunman.  A gunman.  Every time I type that word, my heart sinks and I get angry again.

We received word that one of my former kindergartener’s, now a 2^nd grader, was seen on TV with her mother being taken from the area.  I was so grateful to hear that news…but it was soon followed with the knowledge that at least 3 parents from the company where my school is located had children who were in the school.  We were unsure of their fate or if the children had direct connection with our center, but hoped and prayed for the best.  At 2:45pm, a moment I never thought would ever happen to me.  I was informed that a former student from my school was a victim.  Avielle Richman, 6 years old, had been a part of our preschool and pre-k program before leaving our school in 2011 to attend Sandy Hook Elementary School for Kindergarten.  Originally, she had been slated to attend my kindergarten class last year, but at the last minute opted to attend the public school.  I struggled to hold it together in the classroom.  When I stepped out of the classroom a little while later to return a phone call to my mother, I broke down.  A sweet little girl, with bouncy curls who had touched my life for a short period of time had lost her life.

After my Kindergartener’s had their snack, and began their free time, I hugged one of my students.  She looked at me and said (in a very snarky tone) “What??”  I just smiled at her and said I just wanted to give her a hug.  She laughed and ran off to play.  My student’s parents began picking up early, all with a look on their faces that said they had the same feelings that I had.  Around 4:00, I was told I could head home…it would take me another 45 minutes to walk out the door.  I spent time talking to my director, looking at a picture of Avielle, simply not ready to go home and be alone.  When I finally walked out the door to my school and got into my car, all the stress of being strong for my students released, and I cried.  I cried for Avielle.  I cried for the other children and faculty, and I cried for the families of all those affected.  When I got home, I couldn’t get out of the car.  I sat there for at least 15-20 minutes before walking inside.

All night I sat on the couch watching the news, hoping for answers, and crying when the answers didn’t come.  I cried more tears than I thought one person should be able to cry, and the tears just kept coming.  It couldn’t be real.  This can’t really be Newtown.  I don’t know children in that school.  Avielle was home.  It just had to be a nightmare.  I went to bed and tried to go to sleep, but the second I turned off the lights and crawled into bed, Avielle’s face popped into my head.  Her beautiful smile, and those curls on her head.  I couldn’t get the image out of my head and I couldn’t stop the crying.  I had to turn the news back on….I couldn’t be in the silence anymore.

I woke up this morning hoping that it was a nightmare.  But it wasn’t.  It was real.  My little state, my little community was all over the news, all of the news all over the world.  All morning I watched and waited to hear anything new.  Instead, all I kept seeing was HIS face on the tv.  Every time I saw his picture I got angrier.  I didn’t want to see his face.  I still don’t want to see his face!  How could he walk into that school and brutally murder those innocent children!!  WHY!!??  What in his life was so horrible he had to take away 20 6 & 7 year olds futures???  Heading out this afternoon, I tried to get some distraction, even for a little while.  Around 4:15, however, the moment I had been dreading occurred…I read Avielle Richman, age 6, (DOB 10/17/2006) on the list of victims.  At 5pm, I met a co-worker in Bethel, CT for a candlelight vigil.  I lit a candle in memory of Avielle (and all the victims) and cried. When I heard Avielle’s name read on the news tonight, it became all too real.  Her beautiful little face has been in my head ever since I found out.  I think it will be there for many days and weeks to come.  I can’t really express what emotion I am feeling right now.  I’m heart broken, sad, angry, confused, and scared.  I still can’t wrap my head around the events.  Those poor, innocent babies, why would someone hurt them?  I pray they did not suffer. 

Today, I also am proud to say I am in the company of some true heroes, educators who put their lives on the line to protect the small, scared children in their classrooms.  Victoria Soto, a graduate of my college, Eastern Connecticut State University, gave her life protecting her little first grade students.  I didn’t know her, she graduated after me, but I am proud to be in the company of such a brave woman.  I am in the company of 6 brave educators who gave their lives, and countless educators who risked their lives to protect the children who were able to walk out of Sandy Hook Elementary School on Friday.  I have been asking myself all day, would I have the strength and bravery to do what they did?  Would I be able to put myself in harm’s way to protect my student’s?  Would I die for my students?  These questions are weighing heavily on my heart as I hear stories of the bravery in Sandy Hook.

A little over a month ago, I was thinking, “wow, our weather is Al Roker worthy” and now every major journalist from all over the country is either here or has their eyes set on Newtown, CT and……the President of the United States is coming to my small little area of Connecticut tomorrow.  I don’t want him here…I don’t want this to be real.  This can’t have happened to my small corner of CT.  This can’t have happened in a town that was almost my hometown.  This can’t have happened to a school that was almost my school.  My parent’s chose, instead, to move to Bethel, CT, but Sandy Hook very easily could have been my hometown.

So many of you have sent thoughts, prayers, and love to me over the last two days, and I can’t thank you enough for the outpouring of support and love.  Please keep Newtown in your prayers in the coming weeks and months.  This community is going to need a lot of support to heal from this horrific tragedy. 

Heaven has 26 new angels from Sandy Hook Elementary School, and we can only pray that they have found peace.  To the heroes who gave their lives, may you rest in peace…Rachel Davino, 29, Dawn Hochsprung, 47, Anne Marie Murphy, 52. Lauren Russeau, 30, Mary Sherlach, 56, and Victoria Soto, 27.  Dear, sweet Avielle, age 6….you touched my life for only a brief moment in time, but I am heartbroken today.  Your smile will live in my heart forever.  And to your friends as well…Charlotte, Daniel, Olivia, Josephine, Ana, Dylan, Madeleine, Catherine, Chase, Jesse, James, Grace, Emilie, Jack, Noah, Caroline, Jessica, Benjamin, and Allison…Your lives were cut too short.  May you all be together in a place where there is nothing to fear and where innocence lives on forever.  May all of your families and friends find the peace they need to heal after this tragic event.