December 14, 2012...One year ago, 20 beautiful children and 6 educators lost their lives at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, CT. One year ago, my little corner of the world was the center of attention all around the world. One year ago, the thought that "it won't ever happen around here" was crushed. One year ago, my heart broke over the loss of a former student from my center, Avielle Richman.
It also happens that the last blog I wrote was one year ago. I wrote about my visit to Sandy Hook on the Sunday following the tragedy. I wrote about the love and support from people all over our community and the world following the tragedy. Then time passed, and for those not directly affected, they began to move on. Attention turned to other things. For those of us in this little corner of the world, it was time to begin to pick up the pieces of our shattered community. It has been a tough year, filled with moments of grief, and heartbreak.
That day... I think back to that day often. Still asking WHY??? Why did he walk into that school and murder 20 beautiful babies, and 6 educators? I remember trying to teach, to keep calm, to pretend as if it was a normal day for my classroom full of children. Meanwhile, I was angry and scared... Scared for the children I knew were in that school, hoping and praying that they were safe. Information was flying across twitter and Facebook...what was real? What was misinformation? How could I believe what I was hearing? It had to be a nightmare...it simply couldn't be true...there couldn't possibly be a shooter at the school. But it was true, and my former kindergarten student, then a 2nd grader, had made it out safely...but we still didn't know the fate of the other children we knew... And then it was the worst news we could receive... A former student from our pre-k class was a victim...spunky, sassy Avielle Richman was among those who didn't make it out of Sandy HooK Elementary. Our hearts were broken for our community already, but then crushed with the news of Avie.
I spent that entire weekend, and for many days following, crying. It was hard for me, at first, to find the strength to get through each day. I couldn't even begin to imagine the families and close friends of the victims and how they were coping throughout such a difficult time. Early that following week, I found out that I passed my final courses for my Master's Degree...I cried, but it was tears of guilt. Guilt for being happy when so many families were in such pain. I didn't want to be happy, for even the briefest of moments. My heart was broken and it wasn't right to be happy, at least not in my mind. It hurt to be happy.
We grieved together at work, over the loss of our dear, sweet Avielle. The Friday following 12/14, we participated in the worldwide moment of silence for Sandy Hook. We gathered all of the children in our large project area, and sang songs about friendship and love. We told the children it was a celebration of friendship, but we teachers knew the true meaning of why we were all together in that room. We released 26 balloons, one for each of the victims. The wind separated the balloons, and most flew up into the sky. One balloon wrapped around a tree right next to our playground. Of all the balloons, it was the one that was tied with notes from the staff, messages for Avielle. We cried as we realized Avie's balloon did not leave us, just as Avie would never leave us. She will always be in our hearts. Many of us teachers cried, while holding the children in our classes. Of course, the children did not understand why we were crying, but were busy dancing along to the songs of friendship. We wore green and white on the 14th of each month for many months following 12/14.
We began "Avielle's Storytime" every Tuesday in our center. Avielle loved stories and loved reading. It was with this thought, that our center and the mother of one of Avie's best friend's, came up with the idea for Avielle's Storytime. Each week, a reader (someone from the company where our school is located) comes to our school to read to the preschool, pre-K, and Kindergarten classroom. Many of the readers are co-workers of Jeremy Richman, Avie's father, while others are parent's of the children currently enrolled in our center. They all come to read in memory of Avielle.
On May 14th, 2013, we planted a tree in front of our center in memory of Avielle. Surrounding the tree are 26 rocks, each painted in memory of one of the victims. I painted a rock in memory of fellow ECSU graduate, Victoria Soto. Her rock is painted with a flamingo (since she loved flamingos), as well as the word "Strength." My kindergarten class worked hard to learn a song called "Circle of Peace" which we sang while holding hands surrounding the tree. Midway through the song, I began to cry and struggled to get through the rest of the song. Luckily, my students sang beautifully and did not need me to assist them in singing.
On October 17, 2013, Avielle's birthday, we held a fundraiser/bake sale. We raised over $5000 for The Avielle Foundation (www.aviellefoundation.org) to support Brain Health Research. One of our many silent auctions included a print of all 26 rocks which surround Avie's tree. As soon as it's framed it will have a special place on my wall.
This week, a green and white ribbon was tied around Avie's tree. A simple gesture, which again brought tears to my eyes. A reminder that the one year mark was close by. One year. How has it been one year? One year ago, Avielle, 19 of her friends, and 6 of her educators lost their lives. One year ago, and it still doesn't seem real. 12 months have passed. The days have gotten easier, but there are still days/moments when I break down and cry. I still find it hard to pass the signs on I-84 that say "Sandy Hook." I can't help but think of those beautiful angels every time I see the signs.
Yesterday at school, we wore green and white, had a moment of silence at 9:30am, and displayed the 26 rocks from around Avie's tree in a heart inside our lobby.
Last night, I lit 26 candles in memory of each victim. I still can't believe it's been a year since sweet Avie, 19 of her friends, and 6 of her educators were killed.
This past year has taught me so much about the power and strength of love. I am so blessed to be surrounded by such amazing friends and family. Friends and family who understand when I need to be left alone, and when I needed to talk or cry or even just need a hug. I know that I have posted a lot about Sandy Hook over the past year. I truly thank you all for your support and understanding as I still come to grips with what happened a year ago. This has been a long journey this past year, with many ups and downs.
My roommate, Jillian, has been my rock. In her line of work, I truly don't know how she has gotten through this past year. She has had to interview families, attend news conferences, and listen to things that no one should have to listen to (i.e the 911 calls). How she does all of that and still have the strength to understand/support me throughout my emotions is beyond me. Thank you Jillian for being such an amazing roommate/friend this year. I love you!
The outpouring of love and support from friends all over the world has reminded me of how blessed I truly am. Thank you all for supporting me and this community over the past year. I have truly appreciated every thought, text, phone call, facebook message, tweet, hug, etc. I know that I have posted a lot about Sandy Hook over the past year. I appreciate your understanding and support as I continue to figure out how to cope with the emotions of this past year.
My heart is still broken, but my spirit is not. Avie had an amazing zest for life and so the best way I can honor her, and all the victims, is to live my life to the fullest. Will I cry for the victims today? Yes, of course, but I will not let that stop me from living the best life I can...I will be strong for Sandy Hook!
Evil did not win last December 14... love will always win. Sandy Hook Elementary School...NEVER FORGET!! 12/14/12
(This blog was finished and published on December 14th, I'm not sure why it has the date as the 10th...I began writing it on the 10th, but did not post it publicly until the 14th...so when I say "last night" or "yesterday" I am referring to December 13th, not December 9th....even though the blog date is listed as December 10th)
